You do don't you? DON'T YOU?! You can ask for help when you need it, right? I've struggled with asking for help because I was always too afraid to ask and at times I still don't ask for help on time. It's like I'm just hard-headed that way but I literally burn myself out, talking about having to do it all alone and no one is there to support me. The main reason why we take up such a role is that we feel obligated to do it all alone. This amazing read I had in the Rachel Hollis book, Girl, stop apologizing, was when she mentioned how we (the way we are raised) at times look for validation. So as a kid your parents would only give you validation for good work which meant as a kid all you did was look for that piece of love from your parents. You looked for any way possible to get some appreciation from your parents and that's why it becomes shameful for you to ask for help. You take control over every situation because all you're doing is looking for validation. But it doesn't work. I can tell you from experience it doesn't. All it does is burn your energy up and leave you empty-handed. Without feeling validated for your hard work.
Since I can remember I've done everything anyone asked of me. Even when I didn't want to I did what needed to get done. I thought it was part of the journey and that sometimes you just have to buckle down and do what needs to happen but it doesn't work this way. Let me guide you away from that thought and if you've been doing it your whole life you might wonder how else can you find that missing piece of love you're looking for? It's out there and you don't need to do what doesn't suit you. All you have to do is ask yourself: does it make me happy yes or no? When I needed to learn how to set boundaries this was the first question I would ask myself. It was a hard habit to break, always doing what others wanted, but as I got going I learned that there was so much more out there. I learned that others who were able to set healthy boundaries had a more fulfilled life, mainly because they weren't looking for validation from anyone. They already had it inside of themselves.
When I started understanding boundaries, validation, and support I also learned that they aren't the same thing and it's important to be able to separate them at all times. Let's dive into the part of support. Support is when you get help that will help you move forward in life and with whatever your goals are. They could be anything and your support team is there to motivate you when you feel like quitting or to guide you when you need the insights. The boundary part is important because there will be people that will push their idea on you and feel like they know more on the subject. People who don't move forward always know better. They will feel like their opinion matters more and they might attempt to take over. This is when boundaries come in not because you don't appreciate the help but others need to know what type of person you are and what type of value you can bring to them.
Lots of times we're afraid to set healthy boundaries which means that others have no idea till how far they can go. All they know is who they are and what they're values are in life. Let's say someone always gives you unasked advice, is this because you've let them be that person in your life. You've allowed them to play this role in your life or have you been very clear and asked them to stop. It's when you say stop you set a healthy boundary which then helps them to understand who they need to be in your life. Every single person in your life plays a different role in your life. Your husband can play this amazing person in your life who supports you and gives you the love you deserve or he can play the role of a needy person because all you're looking for in him is validation for who you are. It's up to you to decide who you want others to be in your life and that comes with boundaries and understanding them. Validation is there for you to get the okay to keep moving forward.
Not everyone is raised with the right value of validation, there is a lot of confusion around this subject and I've been confused myself. Validation is not something you ask of someone unless they are neutral. Let's say you need to buy new shoes. If you ask your friend to come with you she'll know what she needs to do, help you find new shoes. But she's been looking for an amazing pair of shoes herself but she hasn't been able to find them for a good price because she can't afford the more expensive kind. You on the other hand can and you're ready to try on a new pair. What happens when you guys go shopping together is that every time you ask for validation, which in this case is not because you're looking for it negatively, she answers with the same things "I like them but they're way too expensive". What this does to you is trigger your own fear of being able to find a good pair of shoes. In the end when you go home, empty-handed I might add, you feel like you have no money and that the world is against you. You were so ready to buy a new pair and spend that cash on YOU.
You come home and you tell your husband the story of not being able to find a good pair of shoes. "Nonsense", he replies when he hears the story, he is saying he will go with you tomorrow and make it a date. You guys are in the store, the same mall even, but this time the energy is different. It's like more people are around, more laughter is spread and your husband is in a good mood. You try some shoes on here and there while wondering where these amazing shoes were yesterday! When you ask for validation for your shoes your husband only says "I think they look amazing, how do you feel in them". Before you know it you have two pairs of shoes you can't decide on and eventually decide to get them both. What was the difference in the story?
The main difference was that you didn't need to ask for validation in a negative way which wasn't your intention in the first place. What happened was that you didn't notice that your friend wasn't neutral. Instead of asking her for validation you could have kept the conversation light and just trust in yourself of being able to choose a pair for yourself. She could have just been herself by looking for a cheaper pair and you guys could have both walked off with a pair of shoes. When we ask for help we need to understand what type of help we're asking for. Lot's of times we don't ask for help but what we do is ask for validation. We need others to tell us we're doing good and we've got it under control but in reality, what we need is a shoulder to cry on and see what doesn't fit in our lives anymore. Don't be afraid to ask for help because when you become afraid to ask for help you won't know who you can trust which then puts you in a spiral of negative emotion.
Ask for help when you need it but don't look for validation. Know the difference and keep moving forward. When you look for validation to help you reach your goals it won't feel as energetic as it would feel if someone were to inspire you to keep moving forward. Just imagine a friend telling you to "keep pushing and don't give up" instead of someone saying "I''m not sure how you can move forward". They might seem the same but the energy of the first sentence lasts longer because you can move with. Always looking for validation will keep your mind occupied with satisfying others instead of yourself which eventually means that you again have too much control over your life. Learn how to work with Spirit. Learn how to get connected to your True Self and from there you will receive the validation you were looking for through the Signs of the Universe. You don't ever have to be afraid that you'll be left behind because in truth no one is left behind. Everything you dream of is possible when you trust in yourself and not always be on the lookout for what others need. If you need help to understand what your next steps need to be look in yourself what exactly you need to know. Most of the time we think we need something but again that's only because we need validation for what we already know. Like someone telling you you're doing amazing while secretly you already know you're doing amazing.
What can we do to make sure we don't look for validation but we ask for the right help? Let's discuss three steps that will help you move past validation and into asking for amazing help.
1. Make sure you know what you need.
You might think you need to go back to school or you need another course to help you move forward in your business but is this really what you need or are you postponing the inevitable. What's going on beneath the thick layers of the skin and your Soul? Most of the times all we are doing is distracting ourselves from doing what we love and keeping ourselves busy doing so. When I'm stuck in sabotage the first thing I do, ones I notice it, is try to understand what the sabotage is about. What's going on. Am I looking for validation and attention or am I looking for solutions? There is so much information out there it's easy to stay an eternal student but you can't always be learning. You need to move around as well. At the same time, you're on a journey so you're growing which means that you need to move forward as well. Understand the fine line between learning and validation and you've got gold.
Why do I need this and what will it teach me. Do I know how to do this already?
2. Invest if you need to.
The most valuable lesson I've learned in the past years is that it's okay to invest in something if it'll help you move forward. When I started my business I was so afraid to invest in anything- I didn't. I could have learned so many things that I didn't 5 years ago and my only regret is that it took me those 5 years to learn in on my own through the mistakes I've made. It would have saved me the time to invest but in my own defense I didn't always have the money to invest. Now, because I've worked on my money blocks, there's more cashflow and more to invest. It's not always easy to invest in someone and trust someone but I've got a trick for you that I always use when I want to invest in someone. Trust. If you trust the person you'll know it's a match. I always look at the person. What are they sharing that I can't do by myself? Is it something that they are trying to teach me and what is the value I'm getting for the price I'm paying. There are so many courses, healers and so much more out there it's hard to find someone you want to work with. Everyone has something, even me, but when you're able to identify what it is that you need then it's easier to choose what you should pick.
I find it hard to invest in courses and programs because I've already learned so much on Spiritual front but I love to buy books and learn more about personal development, how to get grounded so I invest in those things. I also love talking to someone that is very grounded and can help me find my way through the business part of life. I have an amazing business buddy who balances me out in this department. I am forever grateful for her help and I encourage everyone who's looking for more support to find someone opposite of you to help balance you out.
3. Don't be afraid to fail.
I've been afraid to fail and mostly I have failed still! The fun part about it all is that it has given me so much more knowledge that I get to implement right now. I know what to do and my business buddy helps me to see it clearer. Because you'll find yourself amongst all the chaos wondering what you're doing wrong more often than ones. You will invest in something you regret because they just made it come across so amazing but mostly you'll feel like everyone else is getting it but you. Don't be afraid to make mistakes. This is why I'm always so careful in investing but I have to be honest it also made me not go through an amazing journey with others as well because it overwhelmes me. The amount of times I wanted to join but I was just too afraid to make mistakes is countless and I don't wish the same for you. I understand that not everyone has the same budget and some might be able to invest in everything they see and others might not. From being natural and having seen others invest after investment and courses and being someone that wasn't always able to invest I can state that I've enjoyed my journey the most. Even though it was frustrating because I felt like I was missing out on some information that others had I still learned the same because I asked for help (from Spirit).
When I don't know something I'm not afraid to say so! Where others feel guilt or shame to ask a question I don't mind saying it very clear that I don't understand what they're trying to explain. How else do others expect us to learn? The same goes when you invest in someone. If you don't understand why you're stuck ask for help! There is always someone that has the answer to your question one way or another. You can ask for help as long as you're not looking for validation.
Love note: would you love to understand where you could use more help? We can heal your energy that's looking for validation and give you more clarity on what you can do to reach your goals. Through a 2 on 1 session we'll provide you with amazing tools to help you connect with your True Self. Read more about our work here.
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Don't forget to leave a comment and let us know what you'll be doing to let the Universe work for you. Would you say you've found it hard to let the Universe take control? Have you been struggling with finding your Tribe?